November marks the beginning of the holiday season, when families come together to celebrate. Sharing a table with immediate and extended family can be festive and uplifting. It can also bring old resentments and disagreements to the surface.
Whether your family usually gets along or you approach gatherings with some uncertainty, a little preparation can help make the time together more enjoyable.
Addressing Unsolicited Parenting Advice
If you’re a parent, family gatherings sometimes allow others to share uninvited opinions about what you’re doing right, and especially what they think you’re doing wrong.
Be prepared. Having the words ready can help when a relative begins commenting on your parenting.
You might say:
“I know you mean well and care about us, but these comments aren’t helpful and leave me feeling criticized. Please stop, or find something positive to share. I want us to enjoy our time together.”
The same approach can be useful when relatives offer unwanted advice about caregiving. You can acknowledge their concern while being clear about how you want to be treated.
Leaving Old Family Tensions in the Past
Sometimes the people closest to us, including our siblings, hold on to difficult feelings from childhood. Those old resentments can make family gatherings difficult.
Preparing ahead can help here, too.
You cannot always change another person’s words or actions, but you can decide how to respond.
Before the gathering, remind yourself:
- You are an adult now.
- You don’t have to take part in the same arguments or respond to familiar teasing.
- If an exchange becomes upsetting, it’s okay to leave the table or step out of the room.
Feeling really brave? You might also choose to speak privately with a relative before or after the celebration. Let them know you prefer to move past old disagreements rather than bring them into every family occasion.
Creating Meaningful Holiday Traditions
I’m a big fan of family rituals. They help create happy memories and strengthen connections between family members. Every family is different, so choose traditions that mean something to yours.
Going around the Thanksgiving table and sharing what each person is thankful for is one familiar example. You might also create a special gift exchange between the youngest and oldest family members.
Perhaps there’s a movie or television program everyone looks forward to watching during the holidays. If your family enjoys music, have favorite songs ready to play or bring out the sheet music for a sing-along.
The ritual doesn’t have to be elaborate. What matters is that it feels meaningful to the people taking part.
Setting Boundaries Around Difficult Topics
When family members have opposing views, some subjects may be better left off the holiday table.
Politics is one example. If a discussion begins to turn into an argument, be ready to change the subject.
In my home, I made a rule that political discussions were not allowed at the table, and I enforced it. A similar boundary can apply to any topic that regularly turns a gathering into a disagreement.
Being clear about those expectations can help protect the time you have together.
Making Room for an Enjoyable Holiday
A little preparation won’t resolve every family disagreement. But deciding how you’ll respond to difficult moments, while making space for traditions you enjoy, can help you approach the season with more confidence.
My wish for you is a holiday with time to enjoy the people around your table.
Happy start to your holiday season.
This post is adapted from Dr. Merle Griff’s Forbes Books article, “’Tis the Season (Almost!),” originally published in Forbes on November 9, 2023.