When “Helpful” Advice Is Anything But

Caring for your aging parent? That means you're juggling their doctor appointments, their medications, their moods, and their needs ALL while managing your own life, your own family, and probably a full-time job. You're doing a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

Let’s say someone, maybe a sibling, a neighbor, a cousin, who you only hear from when they like your Instagram post, pipes up with their opinion on how you should be doing it.

Fun Times!

I know they probably mean well; most people do. But "meaning well" and "actually being helpful" are two very different things, and when you're running on fumes, the gap between those two things feels enormous.

Why It's So Hard To Hear
When you're already giving everything you've got, advice doesn't always sound like support. It sounds like someone telling you what you’re doing wrong.

And certain phrases? Instant wall up. You know the ones:
"Why don't you just..."
"If I were you..."
"You really should..."
"Don't take this the wrong way, but..."

By the time they finish that sentence, you've already shut down… I get it.

Compare that to someone saying,
"Hey, I came across this resource, not sure if it can help but I thought of you," or "I know someone who went through something similar. Want me to connect you?"

That feels completely different, right? That feels like someone actually in your corner.

So What Do You Do With The Advice-Pushers?
First, and I know this is hard, LISTEN ANYWAY.

Not because they're right, but because sometimes, buried inside the unwanted opinion, there's actually something you can use, so see if there's anything worth keeping. Then trust yourself and move on.

You are in that house every day. You know your parent. You know your family. Nobody has more information than you do.

Second, if someone is a repeat offender, TELL THEM.

I know it feels uncomfortable, but it works. Try something like:
"I understand you are trying to be helpful, but when you push an opinion on me, it’s hard for me to hear. If you have some suggestions to offer, I’d like to hear them and learn from you, but it would be easier for me if you spoke to me in a less confrontational way."

Doesn’t sound like you? That’s okay, just remember to begin with an “I” statement, such as

“I am exhausted.”
“I am very worried.”
“I feel overwhelmed.”
“When I am like this, and advice is pushed on me, it sounds more like a criticism, and it is hard for me to hear.”

Most people, when they understand what's happening, will adjust. And the ones who don't? Well, that's a different conversation for a different day.

The Bottom Line
You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to defend every decision. And you definitely don't have to stand there and absorb advice that makes you feel worse instead of better.

What do you have to do? Keep going. And you're already doing that.

So next time someone starts with "If I were you..." take a breath, remember you know more than they do, and give yourself credit for showing up every single day.

That's not nothing. That's everything.

  Originally printed in Forbes magazine.

Excerpts from Dr. Merle Griff's book, "Solace in the Storm: Caring for Loved Ones of Every Generation"
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